Family Relationships How to improve  relationships with your loved ones  Michael Parker, Evangelist
Bible Teaching about Building Relationships

Bible teaching about building relationships speaks to the heart of daily life. Good relationships are hard to form, harder to maintain, and easy to destroy. Do you find this statement true? Can you think of a time you would like to turn back the clock and treat differently a relationship that was broken?

I cringe at some of the boneheaded things I have done that made a good relationship with good people turn bad. Let me share with you some things from the Bible I have learned. The passages below explain what to do with the relationships to maintain them in a positive way. However, my life has been filled with relationships that have gone bad. Prior to my salvation, I had numerous bad relationships. Most of them I was the root cause of the problem. I was a 27 year veteran Alcoholic, drug abuser, dead-beat dad, criminal, and all around jerk. It is amazing how God can take someone like that, and mold them into a vessel to glorify him.!! The bottom line is that no matter who you are, or what you have done, it's never too late to ask for forgiveness from those whom you have transgressed against. It's never too late to ask God to forgive you...
 


Bad Relationships: A Common Problem


The New Testament directs intense attention to rectifying relationships gone sour – among Christians!

I give one example by Paul to the church at Corinth, “And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual men, but as to men of flesh, as to babes in Christ…for you are still fleshly. For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking like mere men?” (1 Corinthians 3:1, 3).

While it is true that Paul dealt with many theological problems, and outside persecution, he suffered much grief and spent enormous amounts of time dealing with people problems – tense and riled relationships among Christians. Solving relationship problems consumed a big part of his time.

In this lesson, I suggest seven building blocks to building relationships.

Building Block 1: Love

I have created another Bible study about love elsewhere. Love is the starting point. We must have the genuine interest at heart of the people we relate to, plus express friendship.

Many problems in conflicted relationships involve power struggles, people feeling excluded, and the absent of brotherly affection. These problems are remedied by the expression of both agape and phileo love.

Paul described both concepts, “Make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for you own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:2-4).



Building Block 2: Encouragement

A major problem that retards positive relationships is criticism. Research indicates that in good relationships there is a five to one ratio in favor of positive encouragement over negative criticism.

Paul emphasized the importance of this next building block: encourage, don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. He wrote, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29; cf. Colossians 4:5, 6).

Make people feel important. Use their name, be friendly, and smile. Learn to listen and understand their interests and point of view. Talk about what interests them. This will take you far in building positive relationships.


Building Block 3: Respect

If I constantly criticize you, it will eventually descend into contempt – on both our parts. The opposite is to express respect, which is part of the process of building positive relationships. I think Paul had this concept in mind when he wrote, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice” (Ephesians 4:31).

To me, Paul describes contempt. The opposite is to show respect. Perhaps that is why Paul instructs wives to, “respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).


Building Block 4: Accept Responsibility

The Bible shows that defensiveness and blaming others for things that go wrong will clog a good relationship. It is the refusal to properly evaluate our own contribution to conflict.

Again, Paul was right on top of this principle of building relationships. In the context of the Lord’s Supper, he wrote, “But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of the bread and drink of the cup” (1 Corinthians 11:28).

Finger pointing and fault finding only magnify problems. Accepting responsibility does not mean taking all the blame for everything. It means to sit down, and with an open attitude examine the issues. It is to accept personal responsibility for, and work to change, those things that hinder building relationships.


Building Block 5: Breaking Deadlock

When conflict escalates to a certain level, people stop talking to each other. They quit church, move out of the house, become silently sullen, or hide in their cubby hole in the office – they avoid each other. Have you noticed this tendency?

Bible teaching about building relationships urges people to move from deadlock to dialogue. There is always the potential for more conflict, but good people with good motives need to talk. But, you head first for common ground, not fighting ground. Sometimes, to maintain the relationship, people must agree to disagree about a particular area of disagreement. Learn to work around things you cannot change.

Paul speaks of this principle of building relationships in his letter to the Philippians, “I urge Euodia and I urge Syntyche to live in harmony in the Lord. Indeed true comrade, I ask you also to help these women” (Philippians 4:2, 3a; cf. Ephesians 4:15, 25). Paul was requesting a mediator to intervene in this troubled relationship, and to begin the process of building positive relationships. The process involves talking and dialogue.



Building Block 6: Manage Emotions

Bible teaching about building relationships requires that we manage our emotions (cf. Ephesians 4:31, 32; Galatians 5:17-26). I refer you to my studies on anger and worry and managing our thoughts (links) for helpful information on managing emotions.

Basically, managing our emotions is by managing our thinking. But, you can turn to those recommended essays for more detail.



Building Block 7: Prayer

The Bible teaching about building relationships emphasizes prayer. Paul sets the example, “And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment” (Philippians 1:9). Jesus said to, “pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44).

Persevering prayer is powerful, and should take the place of getting even with those we think have wronged us (Romans 12:14; cf. verses 9-21).

With this Bible teaching about building relationships, I pray for your continued success in all your relationships. All the best.

Evangelist Michael Parker



BIBLE STUDY QUESTIONS

1. Regarding building relationships, what is God’s desire for Christians (Romans 12:18)?
2. Describe in your own words what Paul means in Ephesians 4:29.
3. In light of Ephesians 4:29 and Colossians 4:5, 6, explain three ways to apply the verses to building relationships in the important relationships in your life. Focus on what you can do to improve the situation, not what the other person should be doing.
4. Explain Paul’s prayer to the Philippians (Philippians 1:9-11).
5. How important do you think it is to manage emotions in relationships? Explain. How do emotions relate to building positive relationships?
6. In a recent relationship problem, can you describe two things you might have accepted responsibility for? Explain.
7. For wives: how would you explain and express “respect” as described in Ephesians 5:33? How does it relate to building positive relationships?
8. Husbands: list and explain two ways to express love toward your wives. How do you think love affects building positive relationships?
9. List and explain ways you can encourage the other person in your relationship with your spouse (if you have one), co-worker, children, boss or employee.
10. What in this Bible study stands out the most to you? Explain.


Bible Teaching about Resolving Conflict.
The Bible teaching about resolving conflict in personal relationships brings good news! Conflict is inevitable. It happens. It’s painful. You have it. I have it. The question is how can we resolve it?
In this Bible study, I will identify eight principles that is part of a process of resolving conflict. I give a disclaimer. No system in this world will absolutely resolve conflict every time. Including this one.
The broad concepts here will start, if applied faithfully, to help you create a system that will resolve much conflict that you face on a day to day basis. Hang on. Here we go.


Resolving Conflict: The Christian Goal

Peace and unity is the goal. Paul wrote, “Being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Ephesians 4:3). Jesus said the peacemakers are blessed (Matthew 5:9). Again, Paul reminds us, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men (Romans 12:18).
From this you and I see that resolving conflict is important to God. On a practical level, peace is cheaper than war, divorce, counselor’s fees – and it reduces production costs!


Remember: Preserve Relationships

Have in your mind the idea that it is to your benefit to maintain positive, workable relationships with the people involved. This oil for this process is Christian love, which I have explained in another Bible study.
If it is your employer, co-worker, fellow church member, ex-spouse, customer – whatever, it is to your benefit to maintain a positive relationship. An exception is if the relationship is so toxic and harmful that it would be dangerous to maintain.
Consider All Legitimate Interests

The Bible teaching about resolving conflict encourages us to not selfishly consider only our own interests in disputes. Paul wrote, “do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4).
Too often conflict involves one side pitted stubbornly against the other side. Both sides ruthlessly try to prove their side right, and the other wrong. They magnify their interests, and minimize the other person’s interests. It becomes a win-lose trap. This is not resolving conflict, but escalating it.
 

Make Wise and Fair Decisions

Paul appeals to this principle, “Brethren, even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness” (Galatians 6:1). Jesus also taught this principle. In the context of church discipline, He said for two or more people to get their heads together, think, and pray about the matter (Matthew 18:15-20).  Another point: decisions are sometimes fair, but not wise. Let’s say that I drive a Mercedes to work, and my dear wife takes an old beat up 1953 Chevy pickup with bald tires. My Wife complains that the arrangement is unfair.  We could agree that a fair arrangement would be for her to buy a new Lexus. But, would it be wise? No, because we cannot afford even my Mercedes. Actually, when the first payments came due, we would be increasing, not resolving conflict!


The System Must Work

If the system of resolving conflict has the clash still simmering or raging after a period of time, the process isn’t efficient. It is better to go back to the drawing board and try something else – another approach. James teaches us that if conflict is prolonged, then we are using wrong methods, appealing to wrong information, and engaging wrong motives (James 3:13-4:3).


Resolving Conflict: Don't Violate Biblical Principles

Paul writes, “All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16). He also told us to look to the examples in the Bible to decide which course of action to take (1 Corinthians 10:11).
The information we need in resolving conflict is in the Bible. The problem is discovery, application and motivation. Good common sense, wise men and women, and what we learn from life experience are helpful. Outside advice must not, however, conflict with biblical principles.
 

Glorify God

Paul wrote, “…whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31). Resolving conflict falls under the umbrella of “whatever.” It is easy to forget about God when we are in the drama of resolving conflict. Our passions and pain get in the way, and all we can think of is our own problem, and desperately looking for a way of escape or winning.  Many years ago I became pastor of a church that had gone through a major split. I was sent there to try to pick up the pieces after about 80% of the members had gotten mad and left – including the pastor. The stories I heard scorched my ears! The fighting had escalated to the point of having fist fights out in the parking lot after evening church services!  According to the Bible teaching about resolving conflict, that did not glorify God.
 

Prayer

Jesus talked about church discipline, which always carries conflict with it. He said, “…if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 18:19). He said to pray.
Prayer calls on Divine power, guidance, intervention, and wisdom in resolving conflict. It must, however, be followed up by enacting biblical principles that apply to the case – in other words, action.


Forgiveness

The Bible teaching about resolving conflict is unconditionally clear. Jesus instructed us in our prayer life, “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). Clinging to and nourishing vindictive grudges will eat our soul, rob our creativity, suck away our happiness – and unforgiveness is useless in resolving conflict. And as Jesus pointedly taught, how can we expect God to forgive us when we don’t forgive others.
With this Bible teaching on resolving conflict, I wish you the best. I hope you can take these principles and use them to your benefit, and the glory of God. Keep up your good work, stay encouraged, and God bless you in all your relationships. Keep up your study.
 

Evangelist Michael Parker


BIBLE STUDY QUESTIONS

1. According to the Bible teaching about resolving conflict, what is the goal in relationships? Explain your answer in terms of practical application.
2. Think of a time when you were in a situation of conflict. Which of the principles of resolving conflict in this study did you apply successfully? Explain.
3. In that time of conflict, what principles of resolving conflict could you have improved on? Explain.
4. Why do you think resolving conflict is important to God? Explain in your own words.
5. Referencing the Bible teaching about resolving conflict, why do you think forgiveness is important? List five reasons for forgiveness, and five reasons for not forgiving.
6. In following God’s example of resolving conflict, who took the initiative (2 Corinthians 5:18, 19)? Should we do likewise? Explain.
7. In the Bible teaching about resolving conflict, explain the principles James give us (James 1:19, 20).
8. In the context of Philippians 1:27-2:7, explain the principles and process Paul went through in resolving conflict.
9. What is the role of Satan in conflict (2 Corinthians 2:10, 11; 1 Peter 5:8; Ephesians 6:11, 12)?
10. In this Bible teaching about resolving conflict, what stands out to you the most?